I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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