Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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