Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
