So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Randomize
