just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
