dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
