Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
