sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
