i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
