I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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