i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
