I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
