You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
