Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
