Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
