you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So much rum. So many feels.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
