Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
