it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
