do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
