I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We are all done wearing pants today
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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