That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
