I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sarcasm needs its own font
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
