No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
