i think my mom watched the whole time
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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