He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
