I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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