why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
