There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
