I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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