I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
