i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
