Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
