literally had 100 drinks last night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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