i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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