Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
