His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
