Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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