i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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