So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
