She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
