Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
