You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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