His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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