Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
