I faked an abortion last night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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