Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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