The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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