Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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