the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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