This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
