We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
